STOP disrespecting my family



my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND


my grandmother is A SAINT

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Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.


I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids


I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?


I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese


[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed


There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.


Saw this lady taking pics of stuff and I was like your camera is facing the wrong way, psycho


They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.


My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.


I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”