Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Well, this certainly took a turn
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.