@StevieKnip

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

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@mommajessiec

While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

@ginadivittorio

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

@tchrquotes

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

@glutenfreematt

what does the girl i dated three years ago stand to gain by changing her netflix password

@Pork_Chop_Hair

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

@birbigs

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

@awesomelocks

Woman: The bees are dying.

random male: I don’t know what kind of men YOU hang out with but I’M not killing bees.

@shastamaria

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

@bourgeoisalien

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell