Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Never trust an anti-aging lotion that has an expiry date.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My Wife: Why are you home so early?
Me: My boss told me to go to hell
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
HER: this sucks
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one