Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
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Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Meeeee too!
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater