Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
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When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
A woman drives into a bar.
Good Morning.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?