Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
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Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
good let them take over I have had enough
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two