Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
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They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Actually cracking up @ this
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.