Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
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“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?