@KBChicken75

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

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@tealbluejay

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

@Aikiwomannc

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

@whimsik_l

Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing

@DurtMcHurtt

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

@AdamOfEarth

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

@SteveKoehler22

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

@literally_is_me

All I’m saying is Sesame Street would be a lot more entertaining if Big Bird were a velociraptor.

@IndecisiveJones

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

@Love_bug1016

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.