@Dawn_M_

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

- @Dawn_M_

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@concretesledge_

I just spent $100 at Whole Foods. This better be a damn good bag of Almonds.

@Marlebean

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

@youssraxak

teacher: No eating in class

people sitting in the back of the classroom:

@david8hughes

[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?

@funnybeachgirl

Kegels: because how else are you supposed to grind fresh coffee beans during a power outage?

@Ideal_Victoria

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

@GingerGander

There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.

@MajorFlake

Give a man a fish and he will think, “What a creepy gift.” Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom”