Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
You Might Also Like
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.