“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
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My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8