I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
“Stop hitting me.”
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Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
The French cow says MEUX…
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
YOU: I feel so much better since I started eating more fruits and vegetables.
ME: [lighting a french fry like a cigarette] You’re weak.
Neither candidate addressed the fact that we have a Hulk