“Stop hitting me.”

-Rock bottom.

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I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.


Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter


I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.


I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen


INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.


When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”


YOU: I feel so much better since I started eating more fruits and vegetables.

ME: [lighting a french fry like a cigarette] You’re weak.


Neither candidate addressed the fact that we have a Hulk