@Arrogant_Twat

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

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@Darlainky

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

@greg_vee

*takes your compliment*

*stares nervously at it*

@garbagecoven

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

@BobGolen

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

@AmberTozer

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

@TheClifBob

2020 has really changed me, but not completely. For example, I haven’t showered in 3 days, but I still silently judge stinky people

@KittensMittens

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad