“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
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Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
What number SPF blocks people?
*takes your compliment*
*stares nervously at it*
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
2020 has really changed me, but not completely. For example, I haven’t showered in 3 days, but I still silently judge stinky people
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad