STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
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Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Storm Tropical Storm
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Saw online –
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
I…do not understand how electricity works.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.