STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
You Might Also Like
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
So creative 😂
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.