STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
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I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.