@lmwortho

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

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@KeetPotato

dude at house party: “anybody here wanna bone?”
girl: “ew”
girl 2: “no way”
girl 3: “never”
dog: “i am very interested in your offer”

@AudreyPorne

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

@dmc1138

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

@1slowery1

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

@jwoodham

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

@urmumsausername

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

@jedfudally

someone at work asked who pablo escobar was so i told her he used to work here

@dumbbeezie

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

@thepaulahunt

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”