Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
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Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.