dude at house party: “anybody here wanna bone?”
girl 2: “no way”
girl 3: “never”
dog: “i am very interested in your offer”
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
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boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
someone at work asked who pablo escobar was so i told her he used to work here
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?