“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

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Apparently you can’t get a sick leave just because you’re sick of seeing everyone at the office.


Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly


me: so… i gave him the birds and the bees talk

wife: great! what did he say?

me: his exact words were “dad, i’m not into that vanilla shit”


Gas prices have me feeling like I’m robbing the gas station. “Just leave, before they change their mind.”


[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house


Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.


Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…


Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.