“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
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It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields