stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
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Watermelon Boss!
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.