Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
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God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
If you’re feeling sorry for yourself for having to homeschool, spare a thought for your kids.
You’re now their prom date!
I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card. It sends the message that education is a priority in our household and it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren’t that bright.
You think I’m over dramatic? When an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT’S over dramatic.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
– the first cow ever milked