“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
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shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it