Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
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Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I am HOWLING at this
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?