Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
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God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you