Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
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My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
when there are deer in the woods
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…