Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

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Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.


Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.


*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”


What we’ve learned from this skittles incident is that we should all stop eating refugees.


Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.


There are two sides to every story. My side and the right side.


I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.


I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.