Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
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Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did