And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?