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Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?


a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready


Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture


Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt


the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor


Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.


[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click


[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘golfed’

“May I have it in a sentence please?”

Sure. He golfed with a tee.



I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.


18 years ago today, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum saved our country and our PLANET from an alien invasion. Never forget


Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”