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@English_Channel

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

@Qrabion

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

@fro_vo

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

@linkindrinkin

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

@DannyZuker

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

@BunAndLeggings

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘golfed’

“May I have it in a sentence please?”

Sure. He golfed with a tee.

“G-O-L-F-T”

@IamJackBoot

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

@callmeshitto

18 years ago today, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum saved our country and our PLANET from an alien invasion. Never forget

@jokeymcjokeface

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”