What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
You Might Also Like
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Canadian owl: Eh?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Meanwhile in Canada…
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
#Caturday
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
subtitles are so good nowadays
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough