@ohheyohhihello

stop naming your babies James. name him Jame. he is one Jame.

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@BCMontgo

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m going to throw an awesome surprise party for my daughter when she gets home and realizes I know that she snuck out! SURPRISE!

@SenatorBigfoot

“How’s Mason doing?”
Ugh, he’s going through this emu kid phase.
“Don’t you mean emo kid?”
*boy covered in feathers runs past*
I wish.

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying I’m a great dad, I’m just saying it’s a holiday weekend and I’m wearing cargo shorts with a Hawaiian shirt…

@beefman138

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

@JediGigi

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

@salmarch79

Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.

@Laser_Cat

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

@HorryPuttor

“Your password is weak”

You’re the weak one
And you’ll never know love
Or friendship
And I feel sorry for you

@SortaBad

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants