Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
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Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”