@lynnbixenspan
@mattgallo123
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
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@mattgallo123
@Seinfeld2000
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
@PaperWash
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
@TheAlexNevil
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
@petemandik
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
@Parkerlawyer
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
@CMFC99
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
@DannyZuker
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
@noog
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
@BlindChow
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!