Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
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detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?