@lynnbixenspan
@jonnysun
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
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@jonnysun
@existential_d
cop [on phone]: we need help identifying the body
wife: what were his last words
cop: he said.. that he loved you a lot
wife: but how did he say it exactly
cop: tell [borat voice] my w-
wife: it’s him
@envydatropic
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
@Dan_Haak
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
@ArfMeasures
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
@CelebrityChez
Went to Costco for paper towels and bought the Cleveland Browns and a helicopter.
@prufrockluvsong
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
@Reverend_Scott
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
@ConcernedSirGuy
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
@ItsAndyRyan
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”