@lynnbixenspan

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

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@jonnysun

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

@existential_d

cop [on phone]: we need help identifying the body

wife: what were his last words

cop: he said.. that he loved you a lot

wife: but how did he say it exactly

cop: tell [borat voice] my w-

wife: it’s him

@envydatropic

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

@Dan_Haak

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

@ArfMeasures

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

@CelebrityChez

Went to Costco for paper towels and bought the Cleveland Browns and a helicopter.

@prufrockluvsong

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

@Reverend_Scott

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

@ConcernedSirGuy

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

@ItsAndyRyan

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”