@lynnbixenspan

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

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@mattgallo123

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

@Seinfeld2000

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

@PaperWash

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

@TheAlexNevil

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

@petemandik

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

@CMFC99

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

@DannyZuker

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

@noog

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

@BlindChow

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!