
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
cop [on phone]: we need help identifying the body
wife: what were his last words
cop: he said.. that he loved you a lot
wife: but how did he say it exactly
cop: tell [borat voice] my w-
wife: it’s him
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Went to Costco for paper towels and bought the Cleveland Browns and a helicopter.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”