Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
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Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Every damn time
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
One venti cheeseburger please.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
how to market bottled water to dads
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.