STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
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I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
what kind of cook setting is this??
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same