Me, taking applications for the Illuminati: oh, I never said I’d send the forms anywhere
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
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[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
*orders large pizza*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.