Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

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Me, taking applications for the Illuminati: oh, I never said I’d send the forms anywhere


[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human


You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.


(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.


Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.


*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.


To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.


How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?


If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.