Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
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my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Tuesday
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door