Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
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A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
is nasa ok
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling