[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
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My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.