Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
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Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot