Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
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If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
become ungovernable
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
The Joker was right
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare