just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
You Might Also Like
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I didn’t come here to be called names
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.