stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
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I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.