Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
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Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Its a hippotatomus
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.