@donni

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

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@l0ttiehall

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

@kcmoore51

I hate when my wife says her friend at work “got flowers again today” and I have to kill that chick’s husband.

@slaughthie

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

@Smethanie

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

@Rollinintheseat

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

@BoomBoomBetty

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

@videojames_

[having sex]

her: i want to be tied up

me: u have a jury summons in the mail

her: not like that

me: i made u a doctor’s appointment

her: stop

me: i told ur sister ur gonna help her move