jobs are for girls who can’t sell their bath water
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
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Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I hate when my wife says her friend at work “got flowers again today” and I have to kill that chick’s husband.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Two more rolls of duct tape and I should have this tv mounted.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
her: i want to be tied up
me: u have a jury summons in the mail
her: not like that
me: i made u a doctor’s appointment
me: i told ur sister ur gonna help her move