STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
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All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
My kitchen overserved me.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.