@SirEviscerate

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

You Might Also Like

@IdiomsRUs

Yes, you’re drawing your eyebrows too high.

Don’t look so surprised.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

@NYC_Blonde

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

@Mommin_it_up

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

@dishs_up

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

@kirbys4losers

Maybe I can bury my burned out vibrators in the Pet Sematary and they’ll come back to life with a vengeance.

@NOTVIKING

date: i think my eyebrows are my worst feature

me: [trying to compliment her] not true, you have many worse features

@iamspacegirl

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

@Contwixt

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.