Yes, you’re drawing your eyebrows too high.
Don’t look so surprised.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
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Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Me: oh I see the problem
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Maybe I can bury my burned out vibrators in the Pet Sematary and they’ll come back to life with a vengeance.
date: i think my eyebrows are my worst feature
me: [trying to compliment her] not true, you have many worse features
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?