Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

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Yes, you’re drawing your eyebrows too high.

Don’t look so surprised.


Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Me: oh I see the problem


The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN


Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.


In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store


Maybe I can bury my burned out vibrators in the Pet Sematary and they’ll come back to life with a vengeance.


date: i think my eyebrows are my worst feature

me: [trying to compliment her] not true, you have many worse features


*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*


Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.