@robwhisman

stop saying you wish and start saying you will

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@so_amused

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

@BoomBoomBetty

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

@KittenWritten

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

@envydatropic

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

@rockymomax

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

@UncleDuke1969

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

@2thestreetz

If you want world peace, your army should be made up of massage therapists. I mean, who could fight while getting a relaxing massage?

@KraftDinerr

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

@whippedjelli

if you wear a bikini instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will just think you’ve been swimming which is athletic not lazy