If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
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when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.