i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
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Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.