@Pork_Chop_Hair: Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
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@bobvulfov: day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island day 18: im starting to think that help will never come day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen! day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
@kaydececchis: acrylic nails are the best and worst things to ever happen. bagel right out the toaster? you can grab that shit like it’s not even hot. drop some quarters tho? keep walking that ain’t your change anymore
@thatdutchperson: [at the gym] PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past? *flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years* ME: totes