Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
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Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
rapatouille