@Pork_Chop_Hair

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

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@KimMonte10

Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”

“Alyssa”

“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”

@noog

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

@BritXNic

I had some food stuck in my teeth and now I’m an international beatboxing champion.

@MissHavisham

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

@KrangTNelson

AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online

AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen

@rachelle_mandik

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

@hexprax

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow