Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
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Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
They did not think through this water fountain
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I had some food stuck in my teeth and now I’m an international beatboxing champion.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow