Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
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If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder