Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

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Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”


“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”


[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*


I had some food stuck in my teeth and now I’m an international beatboxing champion.


*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.


AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online

AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen


there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies


Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow