“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
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Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes