Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
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me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
🖤✌🏽
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.