Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

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in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle


You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.


Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion


Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls


ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME: Or you’ll what?


HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*


All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.


[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]


[In elevator]
Penguin: what floor do you want?
Man: 5th please.
*penguin accidentally slaps all the buttons with his fin*