I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
also my go-to takeaway order
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.