I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
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my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
This is my brand.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
congratulations to them
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect