OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.
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When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Weird how childhood memories are cloudy with a few very clear moments. Anyway, I remember when I was little there was a lady who pulled a hand full of loose Fritos from her coat pocket in the middle of a drug store and I don’t remember any of the 5th grade.
anyone else ever just?
Police arrested 2 kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off
“The top of my toliet seat is uncomfortable to sit on. I want it to feel like my living room floor” – inventor of carpet toliet seat covers