@FuckabillyRex

Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.

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@minkpinkustink

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

@Mr_Kapowski

Coworkers: Zack, you should come to a hookah bar with us!

Me: Why? Who’s celebrating their 12th birthday?

@NicestHippo

Funny how arguing works. We’re all “You clearly disagree with me, so I will now repeat my point with steadily increasing levels of volume”

@Tommytoughstuff

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

@ValeeGrrl

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

@iRowlf

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

@markydoodoo

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

@ShortSleeveSuit

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

@sageboggs

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell