there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.
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Coworkers: Zack, you should come to a hookah bar with us!
Me: Why? Who’s celebrating their 12th birthday?
Funny how arguing works. We’re all “You clearly disagree with me, so I will now repeat my point with steadily increasing levels of volume”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell