@FuckabillyRex

Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.

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@sofarrsogud

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

@CatsVsHumanity

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

@daemonic3

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

@stevevsninjas

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

@Thynebear

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

@10kbabyspiders

Weird how childhood memories are cloudy with a few very clear moments. Anyway, I remember when I was little there was a lady who pulled a hand full of loose Fritos from her coat pocket in the middle of a drug store and I don’t remember any of the 5th grade.

@ArcaneAndAdrift

Police arrested 2 kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off

@MattShiney

“The top of my toliet seat is uncomfortable to sit on. I want it to feel like my living room floor” – inventor of carpet toliet seat covers