If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
You Might Also Like
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
For the ones in the back.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.