Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
You Might Also Like
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing