how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
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date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Monday?
No. Next question.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.