Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
You Might Also Like
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.