Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
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Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.