Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
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They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.