stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
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My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
No. YOU-buprofen.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI