stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
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My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Who chose this font
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
“I wouldn’t.”
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?